I went to get some running shoes yesterday, and I wish I had thought to bring along my camera so I could document for you, my gentle readers, a truly revelatory moment in my lifetime.
They had me stand on one of those foot-pressure monitor things. (If they have a name, I don't know it. Google doesn't seem to either.) If you're familiar with the wet footprint test, it's like that, only with a big fancy screen and red lights telling where you put all the weight on your feet. It will also tell you about your arches, and if you pronate, and blah blah blah.
Wanna know what it told me?
I have extra-wide feet. A simple 'wide' won't do for me. No. I have fucking Sasquatch feet. Fred Flintstone feet, with higher arches.
And, you know, four more toes. But now that I know I have extra wide feet that require men's running shoes, I'm considering losing a few.
Ok, so I've looked at my feet my whole life, and honestly I've never thought they were that bad. I must not have too much of a problem with them if they're my photo up in the corner of my blog, right? So why do I feel like somebody came in the middle of the night and gave me MAN FEET?
I need to get a grip. It does help to know that my friend Bridget seems to not actually have a left foot. I call her "Flamingo" now.
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It would make my week if someone out there - anyone (except Marc, as he already knows) - got what I am referencing in my title. Do you know? Be the first to tell me in the comments, and I'll grant... a request. That's a little odd and vague, I know, but I did it last year so at least you know my crazy is a traditional thing. What I mean is that I'll post a picture of something you request, or perform some silly antic if you like, or write glowing reviews of you for all to see. You can name it. All you have to do is tell all of the class what I'm talking about with my title. Do be specific, please.
Or, you know, nobody will know or care or be reading, and I'll get over that someday. Maybe.
Believe me, you much more resemble someone who'd drive around in bald feet (Mrs. Flinstone) than someone who'd bring Alice the meat. Is it really a surprise to you that you're toting around double-wides? Some feet are just built that way...you can borrow some of Joshua's shoes when he outgrows them...he too has extra wides.
No cheer up and "Shake Your Rump" :o)
Posted by: SyburJedi | March 11, 2009 at 08:12 AM
SyberJedi said:
"Is it really a surprise to you that you're toting around double-wides?"
... and I have nothing to say to that except, um, YEAH, because it's a lot like walking into a party thinking you look fantastic and everyone is looking at you and talking to you and everything is fantastic until you go into the restroom, take a peek in the mirror and see that your mascara is running down your face and you have a big piece of spinach in your front teeth. My feet used to be one of the body parts I minded the least, and now I have to rethink my rankings. (Oh, look. I had something to say after all.)
Nice work on unearthing my reference (not that it was particularly obscure - I just like to see who's paying attention.) Congrats! Whatchu want?
Posted by: robyn | March 11, 2009 at 09:19 PM
Dammit Robyn!!! I actually knew the answer!!! Sam the butcher was on "The Brady Bunch" and Alice always flirted with him. Wait, I think I maybe able to one-up mr. syberjedi over there....Does he know his real name????!!! I DOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! His name was Alan Melvin and he died no to long ago, I remember seeing an article about it on my comcast homepage!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (hope you enjoy all of my exclamation marks sis!)
Posted by: Jill | March 11, 2009 at 11:36 PM
BTW, it should be "So What'cha What'cha What'cha Want" not "Whatchu want?"
And I don't think it is fair to be excluded from the contest just because I am omniscient.
=)
Posted by: Marc | March 12, 2009 at 12:52 AM
Not bad, Jill - no, I didn't know his real name - but you needed to go one step further and tell me what he had to do with the rest of my post. SJ got it with the Beastie Boys song, "Shake Your Rump".
Marc - Yes, it should have been that. Do you have a doppelganger that goes around and does stuff while you're sleeping? Because I need one of those.
Posted by: robyn | March 12, 2009 at 07:13 AM
Woo hoo! I've unearthed a One Wish Genie! Do I want peace on Earth?...$1 Million?...the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Let me consult my Big Bad List of Evil & Twisted Wishes and get back to you on that. }:^]
MWUAHAHAHAHA!
Posted by: SyburJedi | March 12, 2009 at 07:35 AM
Hey - stop comoplaining - you are beautiful and you got your wide feet from me. In the realm of all my faults - it ranks real low (get the pumn -ha ha). I knew the Sam the Butcher answer, too,(and his real name, Jill - not that he died, though), but I can't keep up with you guys - I don't remember to check pocketaces enough to keep up with the banter. I love the picture of your pretty feet!!!
Posted by: Mom | March 17, 2009 at 12:51 PM
Besides having wide feet, I obviously can't spell............
Posted by: Mom | March 17, 2009 at 12:53 PM
Is your name Michael Diamond? No, mine's Clarence...
This may do little to assuage your foot-width anxiety, but on my last trip to buy dress shoes, I tried on 7 or 8 pairs which all seemed to look and feel wrong, when finally the crack shoe staff at Macy's suggested I try on a "wide" variety... BINGO.
I have a fat foot - but my shoes fit like a glove... Besides, you know what they say about the width of a man's foot? Me neither...
That right up there when the girl at Express Men's told me I had a "ghetto booty"... wow, not a compliment. I didn't buy pants from her.
Posted by: Glenn | March 24, 2009 at 05:44 PM