Your life will be richer if you make this.

Somebody asked me for my chicken salad recipe recently, and I get significantly more flattered than I should when things like that happen. I mean, if somebody wants my chicken salad recipe, then it must be the best chicken salad recipe in the world. And if I do have the best chicken salad in the world, then I must be a genius of epic proportions who never dresses poorly and will probably also cure cancer someday. Wouldn't you like my autograph?

Anyway, when my friend received my chicken salad instructions, he said that I should consider posting it, because it is - AND I QUOTE - "informative and damned entertaining". Much like myself, in my own mind. Obviously this friend does not get out much, but we're not going to point and laugh about that just now. Maybe later. So here's the recipe, such as it is. Be warned - when I feel flattered and smart, I use a lot of words. I can't help it.

ROBYN'S BEST CHICKEN SALAD IN THE WORLD

No amounts I give are exact - I just do everything to my own taste, and you should do the same. Ok doke? Ok doke.

You will need:

• 6 chicken breasts (you can do boneless skinless if you must, but you will really get better moisture and flavor with skin-on, bone-in. You will just pull the meat off after it's done cooking and there will be no skin or bone to be found anywhere in the salad, so don't be afraid of this. Please?)
• Black peppercorns
• Salt (kosher is best - sea salt is a viable alternative. God will not smite you if you just have regular Mortons - I will just pretend to know nothing about it.)
• Some garlic cloves (you only need one bulb, but you probably won't use the whole thing)
• Bay leaves (dried)
• Thyme (fresh, not dried)
• A medium jar of Miracle Whip (I use Light and think the flavor is the same either way, but use whichever you're happier with. But don't even think of using fat free.)
• 1 bunch of green onions
• Green grapes are optional. So is celery. I don't really like them in it. More on this later.

To do:

Throw the chicken breasts, a handful of whole black peppercorns, a bunch of generous pinches of salt, some whole garlic cloves (skin on and all), a few sprigs of thyme (stems and all), and 4-5 bay leaves in the biggest pot you've got. Shove it all in there - you can do it. Fill it with water to the top of the chicken - don't worry if a tiny bit is peeking out. The pot will be covered, so it will steam. Finally, throw in a little more salt. Then just a little more. Ok, that's enough. Cover the pot and put it on high heat till it starts to boil. The lid will start to juggle about ominously - at this point, turn the heat down to medium-high, make sure your chicken is still mostly covered, and leave it alone for a while (like 30 minutes or so). After a while, come back to it and poke at the chicken with a fork. It will probably be all white and pretty firm. Turn the heat down a little more - like to a simmer- and go away again. Come back again later (usually for me this part will be close to an hour after I started cooking it) and turn the heat off. Check the meat - it should separate easily with a fork. (It will be firmer and a bit tougher if you use boneless skinless breasts. Just sayin'.) When you're satisfied with how it's cooked, you will dump it all into a big colander (do this in shifts, or even better use two colanders if you have them and you need to.). You need to let the chicken cool - it's going to be crazy hot on the inside right now and will stay that way for a while. Don't worry about the stuff clinging to the chicken - wilted thyme, mushy garlic, sticky peppercorns.  It will all be pulled off.  DO NOT RINSE WITH COLD WATER (or any water) AT THIS TIME. DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO SPEED THE COOLING PROCESS OR GET RID OF THE ICKIES THAT WAY.

Walk away from the chicken for at least 15 minutes. It can handle sitting longer, if you need it to. Don't sweat it. Gather your other ingredients. Get your Miracle Whip out, finely chop the green onions (don't use too much of the green part - isn't it ironic? dontcha think?) and also chop some thyme leaves (rough chop, no stems). Get out your bestest knife, but the type you will need will depend on the chicken you used. If you used boneless skinless, the meat will be a little stringy and you may need a serrated knife to get you through. If you used skin-on bone-in, the meat should be tender enough to use a chef knife. There's kind of a lot of cutting, so this matters more than it should.

Ok! Time to start with the chicken! It will still be a bit hot, so be careful. You need to pull off the skin then pull the meat off the bone - once you get good, you can do this with two swipes. Then, assuming you have large chunks of meat, consider breaking them into a few pieces to help them cool AND to make cutting easier. If there is stuff you want to rinse off (and there totally will be), now is an ok time to do it. Not just peppercorns and such, but fat and a few membranes and some of that white mushy stuff that I don't even know what it is. Take a deep breath and get it all off. I also use the knife and just cut off parts that look unsavory (sometimes pieces that came off close to the bone look... marrowy... so I cut that off. Persevere! I know you can do it!) Cut your chicken into little pieces and pile it all in a big bowl conducive to stirring.

Once you have all the chicken, add Miracle Whip. I don't know how much to tell you to add - start with a few heaping tablespoons full and stir and see where you are. In the end, you will use as much as you want to make the salad as dry or wet as you want. Once you get it where you want it, don't worry - it won't sog out or anything, because you aren't adding anything else liquid (unless you do grapes - but we're still not there yet). Mix in your very finely chopped green onions and your roughly chopped thyme leaves (you pulled them off the stems, right?). Grind in some black pepper. Sprinkle in some kosher salt (I swear you'll be happier with kosher!) - as much as you want until it tastes right. Note - it will not taste *truly* right yet - it has to sit for a while for all the flavors to blend. Also - don't be afraid of the salt. You need to taste some salt to balance the sweetness of the MW. So keep going till you taste it (in a pleasant way).

Aaaand this is pretty much it. Ideally you will make this the night before or at least a few hours before you want to eat it so the flavor can blend (didn't I just say that?). Now, if you want, you can do the green grapes. But don't add them to the whole mix - chop them into quarters and let the willing individual stir them in right when they want to eat it. If you put grapes in your salad, they WILL sog out, and they will also go bad in a day or so and significantly reduce the fridge life of your beloved salad. And after all that cutting and peeling skin and hot fingers and pulling off chicken fat, you'd better bet you want it to last a few days.

Enjoy!

Comments

[mp]

I think you are going to interview me..if I'm figuring that site out right..anyway.. you know this sounds REALLY good..I'm not sure about the tyme though..I'm thinking more parsely..Hmm...all of a sudden I'm really hungry...

[Robyn]

Thanks for the comment, mp. Yep, I'll be interviewing you... will go through your blog archives and work up some questions.

Parsley would work nicely in this as well. Of course, I think parsley works in just about everything except ice cream.